Oh, Boy.

So there is this couple that has a blog about their adventures together, their thoughts, musings, etc. It seems like such a genuine thing you know? I am disgusted and annoyed and maybe a little bit jealous. Why can't I have that? Don't I deserve that kind of connection, that kind of happiness? Maybe I don't. What kills me is that I did have it, once, and it ended. And I'm scared that that was maybe my one go at it at all. Like, maybe I will have no other chances at that. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. It was such a shock that I found it...I guess "love" is what you would call it, even though the word "love" doesn't seem to hold enough weight anymore...that I stupidly thought, oh wow, lucky me. This must be it. You know, IT. Like THE ONE. But I obviously wasn't his ONE. Not that he cheated on me or did anything bad to me. He just stopped loving me. Don't really know why. All I know is that the only genuine, good, awesome guys out there are my close friends. Which, don't get me wrong, is great and I love those guys. But I am always friend status. Just another one of the burping, punk rock playing, pizza guzzling, guys. And I don't always want to be that. I want to, just for once, be that beautiful girl that some guy loves, who loves him back. Because it is either I get the womanizing assholes or the borderline creepy nerdy guys. I mean, I don't GET them, but they're the only ones who WANT me, you know? What's wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough for the good guys? Why Can't I find the medium between "just friends" and possibly more? Do I open up to easily? Am I too guarded about the things I shouldn't be? Am I not flirty enough? I hate flirting. It seems so phony. So bullshit. I just want it to be....easy I guess. No not easy. Just not so hard. All I know is that I miss him.